Wednesday Writing - Fictional BDSM versus Real-life BDSM

This week’s post on fictional BDSM versus real-life BDSM is on jealousy:

I have often wondered about relationships in BDSM and whether the issue of jealousy comes up. You don’t often read about it in erotic romance fiction. If it does happen it is usually a secondary character who often turns out to be the bad guy. In some cases their jealousy gets so bad that they try to harm the good guys and, of course, the good guys win (it may even lead the hero to realising he nearly lost the heroine and that he does really love her!!)

So I talked to my American Dom who said that there is not really any fighting or jealousy between Doms but, instead, a good deal of respect among them.  However, he felt that there is less respect and more jealousy between subs as sharing a Dom or being the favorite is a major issue with a lot of subs where he is, regardless of age, and winning the affection of a Dom is a big deal which can lead to a lot of problems.

Now that is certainly what I would expect as it mirrors any kind of relationship, vanilla or otherwise.

But what about ménage relationships? It is common to read about two Doms sharing a sub (rarely do two subs share a Dom in fiction, although you can find them). He stated that it is more common for one Dom to be with one sub IF that relationship is secure and that it would be very hard for a Dom (or sub) to have more than one totally committed relationship where they could be available to all participants.  This may be why there is a lot of moving from one Dom/sub relationship to another.  Any jealousy or overly vying for a Dom’s affection may bring anxiety to the entire relationship.

He went on to say he thought the percentage of Doms with more than one sub is about 25% (or a little over) and the percentage of subs with multiple Doms is less that 10%.  There is however a lot of playing with the other Doms, but these are not considered a relationship, but rather fun service. Hmm. Interesting. This goes counter to what I said in the previous paragraph about the number of ménage stories where the two or more Doms share a sub.

I was amused when he felt that it would be much easier for the reader to relate to a one on one Dom/Sub relationship – that the Sub hierarchy system could turn some of the readers off. In actuality ménage stories sell better than straight forward male/female stories.

We women like our fantasy of the heroine being the centre of attention of more than one man. If Doms fight over her, that doesn’t cause us any problems, in fact it adds to the excitement. But readers don’t really want two heroines fighting over the one hero!

Next week’s post (the last in this series) is on the Dom ‘look’.

Jen

Inspirational Mondays

 To get inspiration for my books I like to try out new things for myself. This recently included 'Food Play'! Although I got the impression that the person I did it with was humouring me, particularly when I asked for my favourite foods, eg, strawberries, maple syrup, strawberry ice cream, and they started to be all red .... So I made the rest of the meal red too, eg, ham, salami, red peppers, carrots,  red lettuce, etc, etc! (Or in the red/orange spectrum).

So what food is erotic? – well, just getting chocolates is romantic but if you want to be erotic then as they are melting it’s great for licking off the fingers of another person or eating from their lips. Even more fun if your hands are tied behind your back. (Yes I know chocs are not red but the colour brown is made of RED and green..... - and anyway, they came in a red box)

Feeding someone else can be fun, sensuous, teasing. Being blindfolded and then fed adds an element of excitement, and submission, since you don't know what you are being fed and you have to trust the person feeding you.

Dipping a cherry tomato into olive oil dressing before rubbing over the other person's lips before feeding it to them is fun (and I always find the texture of oil on the lips VERY sensuous!)

If you place the food elsewhere on the skin and lick or eat it off them, you can guess how exciting that can be. *grin*

Something we could have tried would have been to drop some of the strawberry ice cream onto the body before licking it off thereby getting a cold and hot sensation! (The flavour would make no difference except to the person doing the licking, naturally!!!)

I have it on good authority that strawberries make good lubricant!!!!

(Mash it on your hands and then use your hands …..) Maple syrup, on the other hand is a bit too sticky but the two together make for a very sweet kiss.


Jen

Rabbit Fridays

Another one from Raven McAllen on the 'other' type of rabbit!

I have a couple of friends who I meet up with in Edinburgh a couple of times a year. One of them is now in her 70's and for some reason always makes a bee-line for a certain sex shop. The first time, I think it was by accident as she saw a nice bra and panty set in the window, which she thought would be a good present for her daughter in law. She dragged us inside before we had a chance to point out where we were. Then we almost got ejected from the shop as she said at the top of her voice, "They're faulty, there's a big hole in them."

You'd think after that she'd realize and not go near the place again.

Oh no, next visit, back in we go. And end up in the vibrator section. To find two of us trying not to laugh, and drag her out, as she examines a rabbit.

"Why do they call it a rabbit?" (my older friend) She stares at it as if it's going to jump up and bite her.

"It looks like one, and it goes like the clappers." (my other friend)

"Rabbits aren’t pink or purple and what's these bits for?" She points at the vibrator, but doesn't touch it.

Me… "Tease your bits."

"They're the ears." (other friend) "Like a rabbit"

At this point my older friend picks up and turns the display model on, and watches the beads in it swirl and vibrate. She touches it to her cheek and shrieks. "Yeuk, its all wobbly. Do people really want that in their lady?" (her words not mine)

Me… "Yes why not?"

"It's good if your other half's on night shift, or away or something. Does a treat." (other friend)

"It's all funny, not a bit like the real thing" (older friend) "I'll settle for my hubby."

At which point she drops it back onto the shelf and it writhes and twists about like a well, vibrator I guess.  The assistant comes over to see if she can help us. We (my other friend and I) are in hysterics, as my older friend looks at it as if it's got a life of its own.

We drag her out, and swear never again…Ha! Not a chance, I think she does it on purpose.

Wednesday Writing - Fictional BDSM versus Real-life BDSM

This week’s post on fictional BDSM versus the real thing looks at the behaviour of the sub:

In our books the sub shows her interest in the lifestyle usually by wearing skimpy clothes, by attending a BDSM club and when there by being fascinated by everything going on around her. She is then usually attracted to a particular Dom and ignores everyone else. Her demeanour may indicate submissiveness by not having eye contact, or if in a relationship she may kneel at his side. There is enough sexual tension, sexual attraction written into story that the Dom is aware that she is ‘available’.

In reality my American Dom tells me that Doms tend to look for easy submissives who display ‘sluttish’ behaviour indicating this is a sub who loves sex, loves to be dominated and displays their whore-ish demeanor.  That is not to say there are not lady-like submissives, but that is not the norm.

Verbal degredation, eg, calling the sub names like slut, whore, cunt, etc, also seems to be very common in real life. Most subs expect to verbally humiliated and it is just part of the lifestyle. Interesting, my American Dom says as he gets older he doesn’t do this as much.

He also told me that, while subs often wear skimpy clothes or wear basques, more confidant subs will go panty-less, crotchless, assless, tits exposed, etc.   He always reads this exhibitionist behaviour as "open for business". 

I was fascinated when he said that there are some Doms who show skin or expose their genitals, but, he felt that a Dom should act more appropriate and let the sub be the slut.

But, here is my quandary, if I were to make my heroine subs more whoreish or have them enjoy being called those sorts of names (or have the hero use them), that doesn’t fit in with the publisher’s criteria that the hero/heroine has to be ‘noble and honest’.

It is a fine line between making the heroine flirty enough and sending out enough sexual signals that the reader feels they can put themselves in their shoes, and not putting them off altogether by making the heroine seem like a prostitute. She can be a flirt but not a whore!

The point to remember here is that the heroine’s behaviour is directed at the hero and not everyone or anyone who will have sex with her and once the hero is with the heroine he disdains anyone else. I usually reserve that sort of attitude for secondary characters.

Next week’s post is on relationships, particularly in ménage situations, and whether the issue of jealousy ever rears its ugly head.

Jen

Inspirational Mondays

I have now had over 16,000 page views on my blog.

Thanks, guys! Hope you have enjoyed reading my blog posts. Do tell me which ones you have liked best (the BDSM posts, monthly interviews, general updates on my books, rabbit fridays, friday funnies, erotic lunches, blog hops, any other!) and I shall endeavour to do more. Or if there is something else you would like to see more of.

Jen

Rabbit Fridays

I have been having central heating installed. This is Lucy, my rabbit, before central heating:

The poor baby had her bum up right against the radiator!!!!!



And this is her happily reclining in a warm room post central heating.

That is one happy bunny!!

Have a nice weekend.

Jen

Wednesday Writing - Fictional BDSM versus Real-life BDSM

This week’s post on fictional BDSM looks at the age of subs. In our books they tend to be in their twenties or thirties and occasionally in their forties (males subs generally tending to be older than the female ones, I’d say). The reader doesn’t really want to read about subs older than that. They want to put themselves in the shoes of the heroine, the sub, and therefore want her to be young and beautiful.

But in actuality the age range varies enormously.

So if you are an older woman afraid of looking ridiculous by going into a BDSM club that you think will be filled with beautiful young women – think again.

Subs tend to start as early as 18 but most are about 25 before they get into the lifestyle, I understand.  Once they are in, subs can be any age.  My American Dom contact has seen them as old as 70+.  Apparently college girls seem to be quite flaky and move onto other endeavors over time, but the more mature ones seem to have a real interest.

In fact, my English Dom (I seem to be collecting them like one collects foreign dolls…..) says he’s met a few older subs over the years. One, he recalled, was in her mid-seventies who said that being a sub is like taking a drug, in that you become addicted to that form of pleasure AND it was not about sex at her age, because intercourse was too painful and any form of impact was out as she bruised too easily. Instead it was about the enjoyment of being submissive.

Doms also range in ages, but usually are much older when they start, 30 is about average. (This is from my American friend Dom – I have no idea if this is the same in the UK).

There is also something called ‘Age Play. Where there is a big difference in the age range of the Dom and the sub whether the Dom is old and the sub young or even vice versa. Some Subs really get into being with an older Dom even if is only a few years, this could be chalked up to having daddy issues.

The problem is if I write about a really old man acting as Dom to a very young sub, whether this really happens or not, the readers will think it seedy and perverted. Similarly, do they want to read about a 70 year old heroine who is a sub falling in love with their Dom? On the other hand, I can certainly add instances like these as secondary characters.

Next week's post is on sub behaviour - how sluttish should she be?

Jen